I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
