we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
