Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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