I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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