R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
