I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
