in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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