Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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