i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.