I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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