My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
