You can't motorboat a personality
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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