Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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