In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
