I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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