If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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