You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
