Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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