Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
