twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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