i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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