dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
