i think my mom watched the whole time
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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