I wish life had little blips of pornography
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize