That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
