They should really pass out barf bags in church
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
