I just saw a hot homeless man
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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