god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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