she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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