If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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