Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
