dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
