Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
sex in a hospital.. check
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
