thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
