The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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