i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
