Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
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He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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