the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
