Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
