so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
