Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
