You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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