i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
