Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
