if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
