I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
