Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
