brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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