If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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