yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
