I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
