Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
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