We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Can I color on your dick again?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
