One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
