I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
