I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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