who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
