The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
